The ?? store.

I went past the ?? store last Sunday. They had their “open” sign displayed but they were closed.

They do not have a sign saying what they sell and they are at an end of town which does not have much activity. So it is not like they are going to get a lot of people walking by and stopping in. I suspect that they won’t last very long in their present location , but time will tell.

I wonder if they are owned by the same people who own the ? store? If not, they must be using the same business plan.

A man who loves his work.

Since I had reached that age in life and at my wifes urging, we decided that we needed a different and more permanent method of birth control. So, we elected for a vasectomy. Our doctor gave us a referral to a urologist , and we headed in for our initial consultation.

The initial consultation went well. The doctor explained the procedure and asked if we had any questions. When we were finished with our questions, the receptionist set us up with an appointment.

I say ‘us’ because Kathy needed to come along as my designated driver. This made me uncomfortable. While I understood why I needed a driver, it still bothered me that this simple and harmless procedure might leave me temporarily incapable of operating an automobile.

When the appointed day arrived, I was driven by my wife to the office building. My wife then led me down the hall and into the office. I felt like a lamb being led to the slaughter. Once in the office, the doctor led me to the examination room.

I had expected doctor to give me one of those backless gowns and to leave the room while I got undressed. But instead, helped me get undressed.

Having the doctor undress me seemed a little strange. But things got even stranger when he started shaving me.

Looking down, I could see that special gleam in his eyes and I was reasonable sure that he wasn’t thinking about a boat payment. Reviewing his general mannerism, his glee at undressing me and the way he was caressing me, the man was gay. In fact, the only thing that the man didn’t do was kiss it and make it all better.

When he was finished, he told me to get dressed and then left the room. I figured that he would want to help me get dress too but he didn’t. I guess the thrill was gone and I was being left like a cheap date in a sleazy motel. At least he didn’t slap me on the butt and tell me I was great.

The ghost of Christmas past.

We live across the street from a cemetery. We have strange occurrences from time to time. The most recent happened to me just this morning.

It is not unusual to be alone in the house and to hear strange sounds like someone walking across the floor or going up the stairs. And when it does happen, a quick check of the house confirms the fact that you are indeed alone. Or should I say, you are the only living being in the house.

I was down in the basement checking my email when I heard a clattery bang. I assumed that one of the cats had knocked something off of the table and on to the floor. They are notorious for such antics. And since it wasn’t a real loud noise, I didn’t bother to investigate it at the time.

However, after I got through with my emails, I came up stairs to find a muppet like string puppet laying at the bottom of the stairs to the next landing. It wasn’t there when I went down to check my email as I would had to have stepped over it in order to go down the stairs. So, I could only conclude that it was the source of the noise that I heard.

Now, this puppet is no small thing. It stands about 3 feet high and weighs several pounds. It is clearly too big and bulky for the cats to bat around on the floor. And, we have had other experiences with this puppet in the past. In fact, it once stood up by itself which absolutely terrified my youngest daughter several years ago.

But, regardless of its past history, I am hard pressed to explain just how the puppet got to its present location at the bottom of the stairs. I didn’t put it there and I seriously doubt that the cats could have moved it.

Whats more, I don’t even know where it was prior to its present location. For that answer, I will have to wait until Kathy comes home from work. So for now, it is just another chapter in the X Files.

Lavender Tires.

I couldn’t believe what I was reading. The ad in the magazine was offering a coupon for $40 off on your next set of lavender scented tires. Apparently some tire manufacturer has developed tires that smell like lavender.

Lavender scented tires? What is the world coming to?

I guess it must be aroma therapy for drivers. Instead of having to hang one of those little pine trees from your review mirror, you just have to put on your brakes.

But why stop with lavender? Why not other scents such as carnations or roses or lilies? And if each tire had a different scent, you could have a bouquet sitting in your garage just waiting to hit the road. And even though you are polluting the atmosphere, at least you would be doing so in a pleasant manner.

As Marcus Aurelius once said “the goal of life is not to be in the majority, but to flee the ranks of the insane.”

No reincarnation!

The government of China has just passed a law which requires you to get government permission before you reincarnate. Nice!

I guess they are concerned that the next Dali Lama will be hostile to the Chinese government. I can’t imagine why they would think that the next Dali Lama would be hostile to the government. Could it be because the government passes stupid laws which restrict Tibetan monks from reincarnating?

I think that the Chinese government went at it all wrong. Instead of restricting the monks from reincarnating, they should have restricted them from dying. After all, if you can’t die, you can’t reincarnate.

China needs to work on cleaning up their air.  Their officials have been breathing too much pollution.

30 second eggs.

Occasionally, I eat breakfast here at work. Usually, I order scrambled eggs with veggies and cheese. And, usually, it only takes the cook 30 seconds to grill my order.

When the cook sees me coming, she cracks two eggs into a stainless steel bowl, adds some milk and then takes a whisk to the contents. Once they are whipped up, she dumps them onto the griddle, throws in some veggies and cheese and then cooks them for 30 seconds.

Well, the other morning, she followed her usual routine but when she dumped the milk and egg mixture on to the grill, she noticed a whole egg yolk staring back at her.

Not to be deterred from her 30 second cook time, she picked up the spatula and whacked the yolk with the edge of the spatula. Then she hit it two more times. And finally, after she stared at it for a  few seconds, she gave it one last death blow.

With a big smile on her face, she then proceeded to add the veggies and cheese to the mixture.

Lizzie Borden would have been proud.

Turkey Giblet Gravy

On the wall, next to our refrigerator, hangs a small white board. The white board mainly serves as a grocery list reminder. If we run out of something or notice that something is getting low, we write it on the white board. Then, on Saturday, I transfer the items from the white board to a grocery list and then head to the store to purchase the items.

Last Saturday, Kathy had “four turkey giblet gravy” written down. I assumed that this was dry turkey giblet gravy mix. Since I had grilled a turkey breast recently, I figured the gravy was to be used for the turkey.

When I got to the instant gravy section, I discovered that there was no turkey giblet gravy. They only had plain turkey gravy.

Now, I am notorious for grabbing the wrong items off of the shelf. So, I scanned the shelves throughly. When I confirmed that they only had plain gravy, I picked up the requested four packages and put them in the cart.  Either they were out of turkey giblet gravy or it doesn’t exist.

Kathy does get upset with me when I make substitutes. So, when I got home, I made a point in telling Kathy that they did not have turkey giblet gravy mix so I got just plain turkey gravy. After all, it was better to tell her upfront than to have her discover it later on.

When I told her about the gravy, she didn’t seem concerned. In fact, she seemed totally uninterested. Odd.

Later during the day, she asked me if I had purchased the cat food that she had requested. Cat food? What cat food? Why the turkey giblet gravy cat food that she had written down on the white board.

The white board is good but it lacks in a few areas.

The door.

Due to cramped quarters, some of the staff here at work have moved into some vacant office space across the hall.

Recently, a co-worker of mine attempted to enter the newly acquired office. When she approached the door, she pulled on the door handle but the door would not budge. It was latched.

Since our area requires an access card to unlock the door, she looked around for a card reader. There was box on the wall but it didn’t look like our normal readers. But not seeing anything else, she decided to give it a try.

She waved her card across the box expecting it to unlock the door. But, no matter how she wiggled the card in front of the box, the door remained locked.

Next, she looked for a key slot. And even though she didn’t have a key, at least she would know that a key was required for entrance. But, there was no key hole in the handle.

Confused, she turned to me and said that the door was locked. I, in turn, put my hand on the handle and rotated it 90 degrees. Then, I pulled on the handle and voilla, the door opened as if by magic.

Her confusion immediately turned into laughter. She said that it was bad enough that she had to make a fool of herself, but why did she have to do it in front of people?

If you make a fool out of your self and no one sees it, did it happen?

The Chiropractors.

Lowell seems to have several chiropractors. In fact, they seem to have more than I would expect for a community the size of Lowell.

One of the offices was recently closed by the Feds. It seems he neglected to report about 2 million dollars in income. Nice.

Apparently, even though he did not report the income, the Feds have a pretty good idea about how much he should be reporting. It is kind of like the actuary tables that the insurance companies use.

Basically, the man got greedy. If he had skimmed just a little off the top, he may have escaped notice. But, 2 million? Did he really think that the Feds wouldn’t notice? With a staff as large as he had, of course they would notice. You can’t have a staff that big and still say that business was bad.

Beside getting caught and having to pay taxes on the 2 million anyway, he faces fines and jail time. Plus, his business is now shot as his clients have moved down the road to his competitors.

Oh well, that’s the way the back cracks.

Sorry.

Tootsie Rolls.

 

The other day, the weather was nice so I decided to take a walk in the neighborhood next to the Capitol complex.

The houses next to the complex are quite nice and for the most part, well kept. And, most of them are owned by businesses. But, three blocks over is a bad neighborhood where I could get shot.

Anyway, as I was walking, I noticed a bunch of Tootsie Roll wrappers in the grass of a vacant lot. I thought that this was rather odd. It looked as if someone was just standing there eating candy. Why would some one be standing there eating candy? It is not as if there was buss stop there.

It occurred to me that maybe there was something illegal going on there. Drug perhaps? No, drug dealers usually work out of there cars. They don’t usually stand out on the streets in residential neighborhoods. It is too risky.

As I continued on with my walk, I noticed a similar pile of hard candy wrappers along the side of the road. And again, it looked as if someone was eating candy while they were waiting along the side of the road.

I rounded the corner looking at the side of the road. My curiosity was peaked and I was now focused on the trash on the ground.

When I came upon a bunch of hard candy wrappers and Tootsie Roll wrappers, my suspicions were confirmed. There in the midst of the debris of candy wrappers was a condom wrapper.

I now had a pretty good idea of the crimes that were being committed but why all of the candy? Was she bored? Was she concerned about bad breath? There is a third option that comes to mind but I won’t mention it here.

Anyway, since the grass in all of these locations is mowed weekly, I’d say that business must be good.

I will never be able to look at a Tootsie Roll again without thinking of its other uses.