Homer Simpson.

The Vatican has declared that Homer and Bart Simpson are Catholics.  Well, I guess it was only a matter of time.  Apparently the Simpsons portray some values that the church finds endearing.  So, it is encouraging families to watch the program.

I guess the Vatican has solved all of the worlds problems so they have time to focus on the Simpsons.  I have to wonder if South Park is next.

Men’s Fitness.

I get free magazine subscriptions for doing online surveys. And, one of the recent choices was Men’s Fitness.

Now, Men’s Fitness is committed to four areas. The first is exercise. No problem. My wife supports my need for exercise.

Next is nutrition. Again, my wife feels that I need to eat better.

Then, there is sports. OK. My wife thinks that I should be actively involved in sports.

The fourth is sex. Whoa. Hold the phone. My wife thinks that I am already too active in this area and I don’t need any more suggestions.

So, now my Men’s Fitness gets pre-read with the understanding that any articles of concern will be blacked out.

What ever.

Saving on Dial Tone.

When I took care of the telephone system at Calvin College, I encountered a lot of really smart people who were functionally illiterate. So, it was not unusual to get a service call for what was a user error.

On one particular occasion, I was called to the office of the Vice President. When I arrived, he instructed me to pick of the handset and listen. I did. Then he asked me what I heard. Dial tone, I replied. Next, he dialed “9” for an outside line and asked me again what I heard. Again I said “dial tone”. Then, he dialed the number 2 and asked what I was hearing. Nothing, I said.

Ah ha! he replied. Something is wrong with my phone because the dial tone quits working once I start dialing a number.

Since the dial tone always goes away after you start dialing a number, I felt that tact and finesse was needed.  So, I replied that I was trying to save money by conserving on dial tone. He seemed satisfied with my answer so I left. Two weeks later I received a letter of commendation for my efforts to save money.

Leader of the Pack.

When I first joined my National Guard unit, the leadership was impressed with my driving record. I had no accidents and no speeding tickets. So, when it came time for our yearly trip to the shooting range 60 miles away in Battle Creek, I was chosen to drive the lead Jeep. And, as the lead Jeep driver, I had the commanding officer as my passenger.

Now, the majority of the trip was through open country on the highway. And, I excelled at this. But, when we got into the city, I was not familiar with the rights of a convoy. And, since funeral processions have the right of way at intersections, I assumed that the same held true for military convoys. So, when the first traffic light turned red, I proceeded through the intersection.

Now, when the commanding officer determined that I was going the run the red light, he prepared to, well…., jump. Fortunately, the civilians at that intersection were not familiar with the rights of a convoy either and yielded the right of way. And so, we proceed through the city and ran every red light that we encountered.

Of course, by the time we reached our destination, the commander was lying down in the back in a fetal position, tightly clutching his helmet.

He didn’t ride with me on the return trip.

Ready in 15 Minutes!

I noticed that the produce section at Meijer (regional grocery store) is carrying a new product; raw peas. And they are promoting this product as ready to serve in only 15 minutes, no soaking necessary!

Since this product seems to be nothing more than raw peas, I am wondering why it take 15 minutes to serve? I mean, I could understand it if the peas needed to be shelled, but they don’t. Usually, when we cook frozen peas, it only take about 5 minutes.

Well, I won’t be trying these anytime soon. After all, our frozen peas are a whole lot cheaper and cook up a whole lot faster.

The Wind Storm.

The other night, strong winds came thorough the area and took down a lot of trees and limbs. So, I was not surprised to see a large limb in the street as I drove to work.

As I approached the limb, I was delighted to see that the city had put up some red reflectors. However, as I got closer, I realized that the reflector were from the car which was underneath the tree limb.

It looks like the start of a very bad day for someone.

Two Loaves, No Fishes.

Well, the two loaves of bread that I found in the tall grass are still there.  (see 10/08/10)  So, I guess they have been abandoned.

Unfortunately, this is the time of the year when the State mows down their tall grasses.  So, in another week, those loaves are going to become croûtons.

Just in time for Thanksgiving.  How nice.

Parking by the Pool.

The other day, I saw some car ads from the late fifties and early sixties. I was amazed by the number of ads that showed the car parked next to a swimming pool.

While the women in the ads are lounging around the pool in their bathing suits, the male, and presumed driver of the car, stands next to it. He is wearing slacks, a white shirt, black tie and a sport coat and he is smoking a pipe.

Now, I can’t imagine why anyone would want to park their car next to a pool. Did they spent all of their money on the pool and now can’t afford a garage?

Actually, back in the 50/60s, having an in ground pool was a sign that you had “arrived”. So, I guess it made sense to picture the new car next to the pool.

Personally, if we had a pool, my wife would not let me part my bicycle next to it so a car would be totally out of the question.