A number of years ago, we were members of a good sized church. And, even though the church was large, they still maintained their conservative values.

One Sunday, I read a notice in the bulletin that they needed ushers. Since the ushers stand at the entrances to the sanctuary and hands out bulletins, I figured that I could handle that. So, I notified the head usher of my interest. He, in turn, was delighted and told me that he would put me in the rotation right after I finished my training.

Training? I needed training to hand out bulletins? He told me that training would take place next Sunday morning right after church and would last about a half hour. What ever.

So, I showed up at the appointed time and place and was met by the head usher and another volunteer. We were both handed an agenda and a book entitled “So, you want to be an usher”.

The first item on the agenda was “proper attire”. Standard – shirt, tie, slacks, shoes and socks. Optional – sport coat or sweater. But more to the point, no jeans and no sandals. After all, no Christian would be caught wearing sandals to church. Next up, bulletins.

Bulletins were to be passed out right side up and facing the front of the church. That way, the usheree can immediately open their bulletin with out having to re-orient it.

Passing out bulletins was a little more complicated as it required good hand/eye coordination. Look the usheree in the eyes, smile and say “good morning” while at the same time shaking their hand. Then, hand them a bulletin.

The two of us took turns practicing with one another until we finally got the feel for it. The head usher seemed pleased and told us that we would be ushering next Sunday.

Come Sunday, I showed up at the church early so that I could attend the weekly ushers meeting. The usher meeting was brief and we went over the order of the worship service. After the meeting, we all headed to our assigned posts.

Since I was new, I was given one of the end isles. The end isles were not as busy as the center isles, so it was a good place to start. I took up my position and began handing out bulletins.

Soon, I looked up and saw the head usher heading my way. Maybe he is going to complement me on my job. But no, he was not smiling.

He told me that I was not doing it right as my usherees were having to re-orient their bulletins. He then grabbed my bulletins from my hand and proceeded to give me a refresher course right there on the spot.

After he handed out about a dozen bulletins, he handed the stack back to me and told me to try again. When he was satisfied that I was doing it right, he left.

When the organ started to play the prelude, I knew that the service was about to start. Once the service started, I was to remain at my post until the minister started to preach. That way, I could hand out bulletins to any late usherees.

Now, since I had been standing for about a half hour and since the usherees had stopped arriving, I decided to lean against the door way of the sanctuary. That’s when I notice the head usher making a bee line right towards me. In a gruff whisper, he told me to stand up straight!

Wow, this ushering thing is pretty intense. Maybe I am not cut out for the job. I obviously don’t take the job as seriously as the head usher. And since this would be an ongoing conflict between us I decided to resign.

Truly, he was king of his domain. I think I understood why there was a shortage of ushers.