I was in the checkout lane at Meijer’s (regional grocey chain) today and something really caught my attention. There on the front cover of one of the tabloids was written in bold letters “Big Foot diet”. At 800 pounds, Big Foot decided to go on a diet. Apparently the diet was successful as he lost almost 150 pounds. They even had pictures of him before and after, like they do with Oprah. I also noted that Big Foot was wearing a loin cloth. I guess he needed the loin cloth so that the tabloid could maintain its “family friendly” status. (I noted that the Martians and Werewolves are also appropriately covered.)

Imagine that, Big Foot going on a diet. I would think that he would want to hang on to all of that fat for the winter. After all, food is kind of scarce this time of the year. He may be able to find some roots and nuts but it would be nothing like what he could find in the summer and fall. But then again, maybe his weight loss wasn’t out of choice. Maybe he can’t find enough food and is starving. Or maybe he has been sick. I did not pick up the tabloid to read about the diet, but lets assume that he did decide to shed a few pounds so he would be ready for the beach come summer.

The first question that one needs to ask is whether he is carnivore, herbivore, or omnivore. Lets opt for omnivore since that offers the most in diet options.

First of all, lets start with the meat choices. Water fowl is definitely off the list. Do you know how much fat is in goose? Tons. And all that fat translates into excess calories. Next on the list is racoon. Anyone who has ever eaten a racoon can testify that while the meat is very tasty it is also very greasy. Like wise with possum.

I think that possum would be a staple in Big Foots diet. After all, they are plentiful and easy enough to acquire. Since the poor devils can never seem to make it across the highway alive, Big Foot could probably find a fresh one on any stretch of highway on any given night.

The next meat off the list is bear. Beside the hazard of trying to kill one with out getting killed, they too are high in fat. Hence the term, bear grease.

Red meats of choice would be coyote, fox, deer, wild goat and wild boar. Turkey, quail, pheasant and morning dove would also be acceptable. Dove hunting is not legal in this state so there should be plenty of them. But probably his better choice of meat would be salmon. Low in fat, high in Omega 3, and it is available in most states. Salmon would be a fantastic choice of meats.

As to the vegetables, corn and most tubers are out of the question. Way too much starch. Think South Beach. A better choice would be fern leaves and most flowers. Fruit and nuts when in season, though nuts are pretty high in calories.

Personally, I think that the true secret to Big Foots weight loss is a diet of bugs. Bugs are very high in protein and low in fat. And, they are available year round though they may be harder to obtain in the winter months. Plus, the hard shelled ones also provide a good source of fiber. Meat and vegetables may be fine but I think the real secret to Big Foots weight loss are bugs, the other white meat. Oprah, eat your heart out.