One warm summer morning, I was riding my little 350 twin motorcycle to work at the college. When I approached the East Beltline headed west, my motorcycle died.

Now the East Beltline is a divided north/south highway with a large grassy median. It is the type of road that doesn’t allow any left turns at any intersections. If you want to go south, you have to go north and make a turn across the median. If you want to go north, you have to go south and make a turn across the median. Etc.

Well anyway, it was 6:45 AM, my motorcycle had died and I needed to go 2 miles south to the campus. So I walked out into the median and stood on the edge of the south bound lane hoping to get a ride with someone from the campus. Suddenly, a car pulls up next to me and the driver asks me if I needed a ride. I said “yes” and proceeded to get into the car.

The car was an older blue station wagon and the driver was an average built woman in her late 50s and from the wrinkles on her face I would say that she was a heavy smoker. As soon as I closed the door, I could smell alcohol. Oh good. She’s drunk too.

She said that she would take me any place that I wanted if I would tell her how to get to Grand Rapids. Since she was practically in Grand Rapids anyway, I was a little confused by her request.

In spite of the fact that the speed limit on the East Beltline was 50 mph, we were only going about 10 mph which was fine with me because the woman was drunk.

She said that she had just taken her son to work. When I asked where he worked, she said that he worked for the Navy. Since I had no idea where that would have been, I dropped the subject.

She asked me if I had a cigarette and I said that I didn’t smoke. Then she said that I seemed like a nice young man and proceed to put her hand on my knee. She told me that she was a widow. I told her that I was sorry. She said that her husband was murdered. I told her that I was REALLY sorry.

She asked me again if I had a cigarette and I said that I didn’t smoke. Then she said that I seemed like a nice young man and proceed to put her hand a little higher up on my leg.

I thought to my self that as slow as we were going, I could always put on my helmet and jump! But then I told my self that we only a mile to go

She asked me a third time if I had a cigarette and when I said that I didn’t smoke she fumbled through her purse. Moments later, she produced a pack of cigarettes and offered me one. When I politely declined she lite one up for herself. Then she told me that I seemed like a nice young man and proceeded to put her hand even higher up on my thigh.

We’re almost there, the both of us. I was almost to the campus and she was almost to, well, there. Since I could now see the campus, I was pretty sure that my there would get there before her there got there.

I told her to take a right at the intersection and to stop the car as that is where I needed to be. While that wasn’t entirely true, I was close enough to the campus that I could walk that remaining few yards.

She turned the corner and stopped the car. I graciously thanked her for the ride and started to reach for the door. She made the peace sign and said “peace”. Besides the fact that it was a good 20 years behind the times, I said “Peace” Then she stuck our her hand for me to shake and I did. Once she had a hold of my hand, she pulled me towards her, grabbed me with her other hand and gave me a kiss on my cheek.

At that point in time, I was definitely getting out of the car. I grabbed my helmet, pulled that handle on the door and got out of the car as quickly as I could. She said “Wait. How do I get to Grand Rapids?” Without getting near the car, I pointed straight down the road. Since the biggest crimes in East Grand Rapids are speeding and adultery, I thought the East Grand Rapids Police might enjoy a drunk driver for a change