When we first moved into our present house, I got a call from the Grand Rapids Press. They offered us a special introductory rate for a two month trial supscription. Since we had never subscribed to the paper, we thought that we would give it a shot. A few days later, we received an invoice which we promptly paid. Shortly after that, a little white plastic box was placed on our mail box post and voila, the paper appeared.
In the past, we had only read the Sunday paper and we bought that at the local gas station. It was really quite a simple system. I would drive to the gas station, which was only a couple of blocks away, pick up the paper, pay for it and then leave. No fuss, no muss. So, having the paper delivered was a new experience.
For the first week, there was some confusion as to whether the motor carrier or the foot soldier would deliver the paper. So, some days we got two papers.
After our trial subscription ran out, we opted for only getting the Sunday paper as that really was the only day that we could sit and read the paper. Getting the daily paper continued for a few days but then things settled down.
We were very pleased with the delivery system. Our carrier would send us an invoice on the 1st of the month and expect payment by the 15th. No problem. Our payment would supply us with the Sunday paper for the entire month. And every Sunday I would make my 8AM trip to the little white press box and retrieve the paper. But then, my carrier changed. I guess he went off to college or something. So, I got a new carrier.
The new carrier was not so dependable. One morning, I walked out to get the paper only to find an empty little white box. Confused and disappointed, I wandered back to the house. What to do? I remembered that there was a number to call if you didn’t get your paper.
When I dialed the main press number, I was told to press “4″ for missing papers. Great! I made my selection and got a recording asking for my name and address and reassuring me that I would get a paper delivered that day. Yes! But as the morning passed, I was still paperless so I made the trip to the gas station and purchased a paper.
Finally, at 8PM, I heard a rattle at the front door. Upon opening the door, a newspaper fell on my feet and I could see taillights going down the driveway. My paper had arrived as promised but I found the late delivery time to be totally unacceptable. So much for calling the special number.
After missing on an average of one paper a month, I concluded that it was just not economical to continue with the home delivery service. So, I declined further payments and took down my little white press box. And, while making the weekly trip to the gas station was a bit of a bother, at least I didn’t suffer the disappointment of not having a paper.
A few years passed and I got a phone call from some sweet young woman at the press asking me to subscribe to the paper. Forgetting the frustration that I had in the past and taken in by her promises of a new and improved system, I said yes. A few days later, the invoice arrived followed by a new little white press box, on its own little metal post, and the weekly delivery of the Sunday paper.
All was well with this new carrier. The invoice came on the 1st, payment due on the 15th. And the paper made its way into the little white press box each and every Sunday. But then, we got a new carrier.
The new carrier had ridged demands. Invoice on the 1st and payment on the 5th. The 5th!! This was not good. And we soon found out the she was serious. There was no grace period. If she did not receive our payment by the 5th, we would not get our paper that Sunday. Nazi!
We soon found that the system was totally unacceptable and canceled. The carrier, in turn, put a big round red sticky on our little white press box, presumable to insure that she would not deliver a paper to us by mistake. That annoyed me, so I though that I would help her out. I ripped the box off of the post and placed the box over the post so that the post occupied the space that normally contained the paper. I figured if nothing else, the wind might rotate the box and disturb the moles in the yard.
Many years past and despite the biyearly calls from the press, I tersely declined. But, then on that fateful day, I received assurances of an even better and improved system. I would pay quarterly and my payments would be sent directly to the press, thus eliminating payment problems with the carriers. And so, like Charlie Brown and the football, I fell for it again and said yes. And once again, the little white press box appeared on its little metal post, followed by the weekly papers.
The papers appeared weekly for about two years. Every quarter, we would get an invoice, which we paid, and every week the paper appeared in the little white box. I said to my self, I think they now have a working system. But then, one October, we made our quarterly payment on time but did not receive the paper for the entire months of November and December.
After the first missed paper in November, I had resigned myself to the fact that the system still had flaws and would continue to have flaws as long as they relied on people to actually deposit the paper in the little white box. Life is too short and the gas station is only a couple of blocks away. Oh well.
When the January renewal notice came, I stuck it in the paper shredder. Paper shredders can be somewhat gratifying on occasions like this. But then, as if noting my disgruntled attitude, the paper started arriving again. Not only did it arrive on Sunday, it also arrived on Saturday!
Thinking that this must be some sort of promotion, I was skeptical. But the paper arrived every Saturday and Sunday for the months of January and February. Of course, every two weeks I would get a renewal notice from the press and every two weeks I would shred it.
Then one day, I got a phone call from the press telling me that I was late on my renewal. I informed them that I was not going to renew and told them about my crappy service. She asked me why I did not notify them of the cancellation. I told her that non payment should be notice enough. After all, that is the way that my magazine subscriptions work.
After a few minutes of conversation, the woman concluded that while I had received the months of January and February for free, I had not received the papers for November and December, which I had paid for. She removed the past due notice from my account and we ended the conversation. Case closed.
The carrier, in an effort to make sure that he didn’t deliver a paper by mistake, put duct tape over the opening of the little white box. I found this to be a totally uncreative solution and decided to help the poor man out.
After removing the duct tape, I took a black marker and drew two large eyes on the side of the little white box. I then went to a novelty store and purchased a fake hand and arm which I hung from the opening of the box. I doubt that he will ever deliver a paper by mistake and when the neighbors ask about the box, I will tell them the story of the crappy service from the Grand Rapids Press. Come spring, I will turn the little white box into an annoyance for the moles again.
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