A man, fleeing from the police, decided to climb a 30 foot high fence. When he dropped to the other side, he discovered that he was in a womans prison.

Life is a bitch sometimes.

On my first trip with my new bike, I decided to ride it to Meijer’s (regional grocery chain). After all, Meijer’s was only 3 mile away and I had made the trip several time on my old bike.

Well, I got as far as the local meat market which is about a half mile away. My thighs were screaming and my calves were bawling.

I had planned to stop there anyway but I was going to do it on the way back from Meijer’s. After getting the meat, I decided to abort the trip to Meijer’s and just return home. I got within a hundred feet of the house when I gave up riding the bike all together. The bike worked just fine but I could tell that I needed to ease into this.

Now, I work on making trips around the cemetery. That way, I am only about a quarter of a mile from home at worst. Eventually, I will make it to Meijer’s but it will take some time.

Along Interstate 75 between Dayton and Cincinnati Ohio, was a 6 story tall statue of Jesus portraying his emerging from the water after being baptized.  The statue was called “touchdown Jesus” because it portrayed Christ with his arms stretched high above his head.

Well, on Monday night, the fiberglass and metal structure was struck by lightening.  It caught fire and subsequently burnt to the ground.  All that was left was a metal support frame which resembled a pitch fork.

The church has vowed to replace the statue with a new “Jesus”  but, time will tell.  Who knows if it will be fashioned the same as the old statue.

In an effort to stay active, I bought a new bicycle a few years back. But, while you never forget how to ride a bike, you do forget just how uncomfortable they can be. And, even though I made several attempts to soften the ride, my shoulders and wrists always took a beating.

Then, when I was at Meijer’s (regional grocery chain) the other day, I saw the solution to my problem. They now have mountain bikes with 2 wheel independent suspension. Shock absorbers!

I pulled one off of the rack and sat down on the seat. The bike frame moved down under my weight, just like a motorcycle. I stood up slightly and the frame followed me. Great!

An hour later I returned with the minivan and the bike was mine.

I was robbed again! It was by the automated checkout machine at Meijer’s (regional grocery chain). I dropped in a dime. It didn’t go clunk. It didn’t register on the tally. I pushed the coin return. Nothing! That dime just magically vanished!

Now, it is not the money, it is the principle! Those machines either don’t register the money that you deposit or they short change you.

Caveat Emptor!

A 41 year old married woman and a 29 year old single guy were recently arrested for have sex in a park. And, even though the couple were doing it on a picnic table at 5pm, they claimed that no one could see them.

Well, hello! Some one must have seen you or you wouldn’t have been arrested.

While both were charged with indecent exposure, the woman was also charged with adultery.  What makes this even stranger is that the woman’s husband is protesting the adultery charge saying that it is unwarranted.

It kind of makes you wonder if he was in the bushes watching.

During our recent stay in a motel in Detroit, I was looking out the window into the parking lot when I heard someone deactivating their car alarm. Moments later, I saw a man running in the rain for the car. He hopped in and shut the door. An instant later, the “boom boom” of the radio started.

Now, I assumed that the man was getting ready to leave, but no. He sat there for maybe 5 minutes. Then the radio stopped and the man ran back into the hotel.

Since Michigan has banned smoking in public places and since it was raining, I figured that he must have been out there for a cigarette. Yeah, right.

When my cell phone gets low on power, it commits suicide. Unlike my laptop which goes into an power conserving mode, my cell phone starts using power as fast as it can.

Normally, my cell phone dims the screen after 5 second and then totally shuts off after 10 seconds. But not so when the power is low.

First, it powers up the screen and keeps it powered up at full intensity. Then, it starts beeping about every 30 seconds. All in all, it can delete a days worth of standby power in a matter of a couple of hours.

So, when my battery is about 60% charged, it needs to go back on the charger because it will soon start to commit suicide.

My new cell phone has a speech to text feature. Instead of having to fumble by typing with my thumbs, all I have to do is say the word and the cell phone converts it into text. Then, when the person on the other end gets the message, it will automatically convert the text message back into speech.

So, the way that this works is that I dial the number of the person that I want to send the text message to. Then, when they pick up the call, I say “Hello”. My cell phone then automatically converts my verbal communication into text. Then, when my text message reaches my recipient, my text message gets converted back into speech and they hear “Hello”.

And, not only does it work with English, it works with many different languages. What will technology think of next, hard coded emails that uses paper and a stamp?

I ordered a Greek salad the other day at a restaurant. The waitress asked me if I wanted Greek dressing with it.

I thought that it was a strange question. After all, would it still be a Greek salad if came with Ranch dressing? It is kind of like ordering a Caesar salad without Caesar dressing. I mean, what makes a Greek salad a Greek salad? The Feta cheese?