When we were first married, Kathy got a phone call one night. I heard her say “A free cemetery plot?” And before I could say anything she said “Sure, Friday at 7:00 will be fine.”

After she hung up the phone, she announced that we had won a free cemetery plot. Rats! A sales presentation on a Friday night.

When the day arrived, the sale person was right on time. With portfolio in hand, he pulled out the deed to the plot. But then he said “of course, you will want to purchase the adjoining plot so you can be buried next to each other.”

Ah! the catch. Since Friday night was our entertainment night and since this person was taking it up, I decided to make the best of it.

I told him that we only needed the one plot since we both planned to be cremated. No good. He said that cremation burial was only allowed in a separate part of the cemetery and that the certificate was only for direct burial plots. Association rules you know.

Well, I told him that we still only needed one plot. After all, if either one of us dies, the other will probably remarry. And since there would not be enough room for three of us, some one would have to be buried in another location. So, the first one to die would get the free plot and the living spouse would be buried with their new spouse at another location.

No good. He said that in order to receive the free plot, we needed to purchase the adjoining plot. So I asked him if this was “two for the price of one?”  He said no, it was “buy one get one free.” OK.

So, now I had to ask him what was the difference. He said that we would get the free plot but only if we bought the second one, so, it was buy one, get one free.

Then, I asked about getting a third plot, in case one of us dies prematurely and the other remarries. He told me that the third plot would be half price. So I asked if it was buy one, get one free with additional plots at half price. He said yes. I told him that it sounded like all of the plots were half off and that the buy one get one free was just a gimmick. He assured me that it wasn’t.

I told him that we still planned to be cremated and asked if he had any good deals on urns. He left shortly there after with his free plot in hand.

In an effort to control waste, Washington DC has enacted a bag tax. Any place that sells food must charge its customers 5 cents for each bag that they use.

Because of this tax, a book store has decided to stop selling mints so that they will not have to charge their customers with the bag tax. However, an adult toy store now has to charge the tax since they sell eatable panties and body frosting.

I guess if they are going to charge the tax, they may as well carry a full line of snacks.

Once again, for the third straight year in a row, the most search topic on my blog is “oven ready lasagna noodles”. I find this to be absolutely fascinating.

I never thought that making lasagna was that complicated in the first place. I have been using the same recipe for over 40 years. It is the same one that I used in high school. But, if you don’t have a recipe, there is always one on the box.

Maybe I should turn my blog into a cooking forum.

I recently purchased a Sony Bravia flat screen TV and a wall mount kit. The wall mount kit was on sale at $100 off.

The installation of the wall mount kit was pretty basic. First you install on a bracket on the wall. Then, you install a bracket on the back of the flat screen. Once this is completed, you connect the two brackets together.

Hanging the bracket on the wall was simple. But, when I went to install the bracket on the TV, I discovered that the screws that I needed were missing. Instead of providing me with 20 screws in 5 different sizes, they gave me 20 screws all the same size. And, unfortunately, it wasn’t the size that I needed.

No problem, all I needed was the screw size and then I would head to the hardware store. First, I checked owners manual but no luck. Instead, it referred me to a web site.

At the web site, it told me that I needed the M6 screw mounting system. And, if I had purchased the Sony wall mount kit from Sony, the M6 screw mounting system would have been included.  Not to be deterred, I did a search on the internet for Sony wall mount M6.

The first hit was about someone who was also trying to figure out the M6 screw mounting system. Great! I would find the answer in a matter of seconds.  But no. The web site only talked about the those looking for the M6 screw mounting system and not the size of the screw. Thus, the site was worthless for my needs.

The next approach was to head for the hardware store. Since I knew about what size screw to use, I started examining the screws in the bins.

I decided that maybe the M stood for metric and since a 6mm screw was in the estimated size range, I gave it a shot. Bingo! The M6 screw mounting system used 6mm screws.

So, for all you poor souls who are trying to find the right size screws to mount a Sony Bravia flat screen TV, you need four 6X16 MM screws.

Journal 03/14/99  A vision in dreams.

I had a Deja Vu dream the other night. I call them Deja Vu dreams because they are special dreams about things that haven’t happened yet.

These dreams are different in that they are more like I am looking at a black and white photograph. Sometimes, I can see myself in the photo but because it is only a photo, there is no movement. I am free to examine the photo but ultimately all I can see is what is in the photo.

In the dream, I am looking down on a large dimly lit room with a very high ceiling. In the room are several metal beams rising up from the floor to support the ceiling. They are arranged in a semi circle. On each beam is a candle holder about 6 feet above the floor. And up next to the ceiling on each beam is a flood light. I thought to my self that if they had power, they could use the flood lights other wise, they could use the candle holders for light.

I notice that in the back of the room is a small wooden box with a light in it. There is a door on the front of the box and the box has some sort of grill work on it. Since there was not much light in the room, I comment to my self that the box makes a dandy night light.

There are double doors on either side of the room. I am next to one set of doors except that I am above it. I look across to the other door and notice that there seems to be some sort of organ pipes on a ledge above the doors.

To the right of the door are some small rectangular windows. The windows are arranged up the wall in such a way that there might have been a staircase there at one time.

In the center of the room is a large table with candles on it. I comment to my self that the candles will make it easier to eat off of the table.

I see several people in the room. They look like peasants as they are wearing only robes tied with ropes. I wonder if this was some sort of homeless shelter.

10/12/99

I went on a week long retreat to a little monastery in Kentucky. When I entered the chapel, I realized that it was exactly like my dream. Deja Vu.

My work cell phone rang the other day. I knew that it must have been a wrong number because it was on Veterans day.

When I answered the phone the conversation went something like this:

“Hello. This is Ned Swift”.

“Hello?”

“Hi, this is Ned Swift”.

“Could I speak to Ned Swift please?”

“Speaking”

“Hi Mr. Swift. Are you in charge of office safety?”

“Not that I know of but hey, I could be and not know it.”

“Do you know who handles safety for your company, you know, OSHA stuff.”

“Oh, we have a whole department for that. It is called MiOSHA.”

“MiOSHA?”

“Yes. This is the State of Michigan.”

“Oh, OK thanks you.” Click.

I have to wonder how I ever got on that calling list.

A number of years ago, the musical Oh Calcutta came to Grand Rapids. And of course, all of the “who’s who” were lining up to buy tickets.

And some of the would be socialites were members of our church. So,as these social climbers were bragging about the seats that they had just purchased I said “I wounder if they will do the nude scene?”

NUDE SCENE?!! Seeing a look of panic on their faces, I commented that the city had probably already worked out the details and that they shouldn’t worry about it.

Yes indeed, the city had worked out the details and the players would be wearing body stockings. But, the looks on the faces of the socialites were priceless.

Researchers in North Carolina have developed a process for growing new penises on rabbits.

OK. I guess I didn’t know that they could wear out.

I injured my leg a few weeks ago and was walking with a cane. And, because of this injury, it very difficult for me to move rapidly. So, when one of my co-workers came into my office the other day to see if I was ready to attend a meeting, she headed straight for my coat rack.

Thinking that she was going to grab my coat for me, I was delighted at her thoughtfulness. But, my delight was short lived. Instead of grabbing my coat, she picked up a mirror off of my desk and reapplied her lipstick.

Sigh.

We got a new trash can in the break area. It is just like the old trash can except that this one has a lid and a set of instructions. “No Liquids!”

In the past, if some one had a cup with some coffee still in it, they just dumped it in the trash. But, no more.

Someone put a half empty cup of pop in the trash. The trash police found it and set it on the counter with a nasty note attached.

Unfortunately, who ever put the cup in the trash probably will not dispose of it properly. Instead, one of my co-workers will get tired of looking at it and dispose of it.  But more to the point, apparently, someone in the office doesn’t have enough work to keep them busy.

Life in the office can be brutal.