A number of years ago, we were members of a good sized church. And, even though the church was large, they still maintained their conservative values.

One Sunday, I read a notice in the bulletin that they needed ushers. Since the ushers stand at the entrances to the sanctuary and hands out bulletins, I figured that I could handle that. So, I notified the head usher of my interest. He, in turn, was delighted and told me that he would put me in the rotation right after I finished my training.

Training? I needed training to hand out bulletins? He told me that training would take place next Sunday morning right after church and would last about a half hour. What ever.

So, I showed up at the appointed time and place and was met by the head usher and another volunteer. We were both handed an agenda and a book entitled “So, you want to be an usher”.

The first item on the agenda was “proper attire”. Standard – shirt, tie, slacks, shoes and socks. Optional – sport coat or sweater. But more to the point, no jeans and no sandals. After all, no Christian would be caught wearing sandals to church. Next up, bulletins.

Bulletins were to be passed out right side up and facing the front of the church. That way, the usheree can immediately open their bulletin with out having to re-orient it.

Passing out bulletins was a little more complicated as it required good hand/eye coordination. Look the usheree in the eyes, smile and say “good morning” while at the same time shaking their hand. Then, hand them a bulletin.

The two of us took turns practicing with one another until we finally got the feel for it. The head usher seemed pleased and told us that we would be ushering next Sunday.

Come Sunday, I showed up at the church early so that I could attend the weekly ushers meeting. The usher meeting was brief and we went over the order of the worship service. After the meeting, we all headed to our assigned posts.

Since I was new, I was given one of the end isles. The end isles were not as busy as the center isles, so it was a good place to start. I took up my position and began handing out bulletins.

Soon, I looked up and saw the head usher heading my way. Maybe he is going to complement me on my job. But no, he was not smiling.

He told me that I was not doing it right as my usherees were having to re-orient their bulletins. He then grabbed my bulletins from my hand and proceeded to give me a refresher course right there on the spot.

After he handed out about a dozen bulletins, he handed the stack back to me and told me to try again. When he was satisfied that I was doing it right, he left.

When the organ started to play the prelude, I knew that the service was about to start. Once the service started, I was to remain at my post until the minister started to preach. That way, I could hand out bulletins to any late usherees.

Now, since I had been standing for about a half hour and since the usherees had stopped arriving, I decided to lean against the door way of the sanctuary. That’s when I notice the head usher making a bee line right towards me. In a gruff whisper, he told me to stand up straight!

Wow, this ushering thing is pretty intense. Maybe I am not cut out for the job. I obviously don’t take the job as seriously as the head usher. And since this would be an ongoing conflict between us I decided to resign.

Truly, he was king of his domain. I think I understood why there was a shortage of ushers.

With the scare of the flu looming, the State of Michigan has decided to take some proactive measures. They have been supply the various state agencies with hand sanitizers. And while most of the state agencies have welcomed this, the Department of Corrections has not.

It seems that the prison population has noticed that the sanitizer contains alcohol. So, they are using it to make Jello shots. And while it may leave a strange after taste, it seems to do the job.

At least their mouths will be clean.

Lowell recently held city elections. On the ballot were 3 candidates running for three city council seats. Since there were three seats and only three candidates, I seemed to me that all three would win.

However, one of the candidates felt that he needed to campaign any way. I don’t know if he was feeling insecure or if he felt guilty about the guaranteed elections.

Since all three candidates were assured a win, I didn’t bother to vote.

Boulder CO has recently cracked down on people running naked through the city with pumpkins over their heads. The city feels that this annual event is getting out of control and they want to put a stop to it.

Since Boulder does not have any laws against public indecency, it often attracts events such as naked bicycle rides and naked marathons. And, in the past, the pumpkin run was tolerated. But, times have changed and Boulder now feels that they need to conform to the current norms of the nation. So, the pumpkin run must go.

What is this world coming to if you can’t take off your clothes and run naked through the streets with a pumpkin over your head?  How sad.

A local gas station has a big sign advertising that they have a 24 hour ATM. Since every ATM that I have ever seen is a 24 hour machine, I had to wonder why they felt it necessary to point that out? I mean it is not like some places close the machine down at 5 so that they don’t have to pay it for overtime.

I suppose if you were from some third world nation where there is only power for a few hours a day, it would be reassuring to know that this machine runs 24 hours a day.

Maybe they should also advertise that their bathrooms are available 24 hours a day.

Today, I was shopping at Meijer (region grocery chain) and I used one of their checkout machines. When I went to pay, I dropped in 4 pennies, which the machine recorded and a dime which the machine did not record.

I waited for a few seconds as sometimes the machines are a little slow. But when it still didn’t register, I pushed the coin return. Nothing. No dime, no register.

So, I called the clerk over. She pushed the coin return but nothing happened. So, she went back to her console and recorded the dime for me.

This isn’t the first time that something like this has happened. I have suspected this for some time. But, in the past, I wasn’t sure if it was me or the machine, So, this is the first time that I have actually seen the error.

Also, the machines will short change you from time to time so always count your change.

Ever see the movie West World?

Meijer (regional grocery chain) has started putting out their Christmas decorations.  They are right next to the Halloween costumes and candy, which happen to be on sale today.

It used to be that the Christmas stuff would appear around Thanksgiving but not any more.  Now, it seems like the stores would like to skip Thanksgiving all together.  In fact, that seems to be what they are doing.  The Halloween decorations are being replaced by the Christmas decoration and not the Thanksgiving decorations.

I suspect that in a few more years, the Christmas stuff will start appearing before Halloween.

Here at the state, we have an underground parking structure below our office building. Whenever there is a tornado warning, we are instructed to go to the bottom level of the structure until the warning is lifted.

In an effort to reassure state workers that they are indeed where they are suppose to be, the state has posted signs on the wall that say “emergency shelter area”. But, instead of reassuring state workers, the signs only added to their confusion. This fact became evident during our last storm warning drill.

After reporting to the parking ramp, I noticed that people were clustered around the emergency shelter signs. I thought that this was rather unusual but I saw someone that I needed to talk to in one of the groups so I headed for the group.

As I got near the cluster, one of the women in the cluster hollered “this shelter is full, you will have to find another one.” And another said “they should mark out the shelter area on the floor so that we will know where to stand.”

Mystery solved. State workers, you got to love em.

When I take my morning break at work, I quite often go for a walk around the neighborhood. And since the neighborhood can get quite bad quite quickly, I stick to the same route and don’t wander off of it.

All summer long, I have been seeing older car, that has been painted black, parked on the street . When I say “painted black” I mean as painted with a paint brush.

And, some times, there is a man sitting in the car. At first, I thought that he was sitting there smoking.  But, in actuality, the man isn’t doing any thing, he is just sitting there.

The car sits on a side street that has a half dozen houses and a dentist office. For a while, I though that the man was waiting for someone in the dentist office. But, then I noticed that the dentist had a parking lot right next to the building. So, I would think that if the man was waiting for someone in the dentist office, he would be in the parking lot instead.

Then, I thought that maybe the guy is a private investigator who is watching a house. Well, that didn’t seem very likely as he didn’t seem to be watching anything. Besides, some times the car is empty.

It does appear that he is waiting for someone. Maybe he is waiting for his lover to arrive home.  Who knows.  When the weather turns bad I will be taking my breaks inside.  I wonder if he will be there come spring?

While we are on the subject of Micky Ds, I love Egg McMuffins.  Unfortunately, they don’t seem to like me.  Two hours after I eat one, I usually get terrible heart burn.

I don’t know what it is about them that doesn’t agree with me.  At first, I used to think that maybe I wasn’t chewing them up good enough.  So, I tried making a conscious effort to chew them well.  But, it didn’t seem to make a difference.

I had one on Monday and it didn’t bother me.  But, when I had one on Tuesday, I got the heartburn.  Go figure.

I am thinking that maybe it is the muffin itself that doesn’t agree with me.  I’ll have to try a Sausage McMuffin and see if I have the same reaction.

Breakfast shouldn’t be this complicated.