I had an ultra sound on my kidneys the other day. I was a different event.
My cardiologist is concerned that my blood pressure is alway high whenever I visit him. So, he wanted to make sure that there was nothing wrong with my kidneys as kidney problems can cause high blood pressure.

I was not allowed to chew gum or eat green leafy vegetables or beans for 24 hours before the examine. Nor was I to eat or drink 6-8 hours before the examine. And, when I did drink, it needed to be out of a glass and not with a straw. Very strange.

When I got into the examination room, I laid down on the ultra sound bed. The nurse spread some warm gel on my stomach and proceeded to run the ultra sound probe over my stomach.

She commented that she could see that I had a lot of intestinal gas. I was surprised by her remark and thought it was just a part of casual conversation though I can’t say I can ever remember my intestinal gas as a part of a casual conversation.

After she finished examining my stomach, she moved on to my kidneys. First one side then the other, each with its own set of instructions.

Finally, she went back to my stomach again. She said that perhaps the gas had moved and that she would be able to get a clear view.

Suddenly, the diet restrictions all made sense. The idea was to avoid anything that might give me gas but the instructions didn’t say that. The instructions only wanted me to avoid green leafy vegetables and beans.

There are other things that give me gas besides green leafy vegetables and beans. My number one offender this time of the year is sweet corn. And I suspect that todays gas was caused by the chips and salsa that I ate last night.

Feeling bad about the gas situation, I told the nurse that I could eliminate some of the gas if she wanted me to. She told me that it wasn’t necessary. I told her that I was quite good at eliminating gas and if she didn’t believe me, she could ask my wife. Again, she declined saying that they were mainly interested in seeing the kidneys.

All and all, the examine lasted about 1 hour. She said that everything looked fine. Of course, I am sure that the doctor will have to look at the results but at least the nurse didn’t see any abnormalities.

Of course, whenever I take my blood pressure it is always normal, 110/70. Maybe if I was allowed to sit and relax for a few minutes before they took my blood pressure in the doctors office, it wouldn’t be high.

A church that I used to attend got an idea for community outreach. They would hire a religious magician to perform at a church service. The magician had a magic act that illustrated Bible stories.

Everyone in church was told to invite their friends and neighbors. They thought that if they could get people to attend church for the first time, the people would continue to attend.

I wondered what they would do with someone who actually came to church for the first time. I was thinking that the church should have some sort of a small group orientation/bible study. When I asked the “what if someone comes” question, I was viewed as being negative. Oh well.

And sure enough, on the magician Sunday, as it was called, a family with no church background attended. And guess what? The church didn’t know what to do with them. And since the church did not have any idea what to do with the new family, they decided to sent them all to Sunday school.

Now, Sunday School may have seemed like a safe way to welcome new families, but it wasn’t. Unfortunately, the people of the church had been born and raised in the church and had no idea of how the church was perceived by others outside of the church.

Sunday school, for the visiting children, was not a warm and welcoming place. In fact, it could best be described as one giant clique. The visitors were not welcomed by the other students and were more or less ostracized. Likewise, the teachers did not want the disruption of new students in their classroom.

And the parents didn’t fair much better. They were given a cup of coffee and dumped into the adult Sunday school class.

Adult Sunday school was a cross between the assembly of the Sanhedrin and the Diet of Worms. And again, the family was not really welcomed. At best, they were tolerated and at worst, they were viewed as an annoyance. In an assemble whose sole purpose was to solve all of the theological issues of the world, there was no room for polite conversation.

Needless to say, the family did not return again. Hopefully, they found a nice church to attend.

The church could at least say that they made an effort at Evangelism.

When I was at Micky Ds the other day, I noticed that the slogan on the food sack read “Open until midnight or later at participating locations.”

Now, that statement told me absolutely nothing. It is in the same category as a weather forecast which states that tomorrow it will be sunny unless it rains.

Unlike their competitors who announces that all of their drive throughs are open until midnight, you don’t know with Micky Ds. I guess you just have to take your chances.

If they are open, they are open. If not, then they’re closed.  Seems simple enough.

When I worked for the computer company, I had an egotistical boss. Unfortunately, he was just the first of several.

And since he was my boss, he gave me my work assignments.  And, I didn’t have any problems with that. It is just that he was often too busy and didn’t have time to think about what I should do next.  So, I would make suggestions.

But, no matter what I suggested, he would always think of something else. After all, he was my boss and he felt that he should call all of the shots and make all of the decisions. In short, his ego prevented him from doing otherwise.

Now, there was one particular task that I hated; testing power supplies. They were heavy, about 50 pounds, and had lots of sharp edges and corners that liked to rip clothing and flesh alike. But since I was at the bottom of the food chain, that task fell on me.

When ever I ran out of things to do, I knew that I was going to get stuck testing power supplies. So, whenever I went to my boss, I would suggest several alternatives. But he and his ego always rejected my suggestions.

After awhile, I caught on to this pattern. And since there was nothing that I could do to change his ego, I decided to use it to my advantage.

From that point on, when ever I ran out of work I would go to my boss and ask if he wanted me to start testing power supplies. He and his ego would say no, of course and I would get assigned something else instead.

I never had to work on another power supply for the remainder of the time that I worked there.

If you can’t beat em, then use em to your advantage.

Working for the State of Michigan has given me a good perspective on Dilbert’s pointie haired boss.  They really do exist and a whole lot of them work for the State.

Several years ago, we were going to upgrade one of our telephone systems.  And, in keeping with past trends, this process takes 9 months from start to finish.  Designs had to be made, quotes had to be given and reviewed, paper work had to be filled out and submitted, time lines needed to be constructed and meetings after meetings were conducted.  Since this was my project, I took the lead and began the 9 month process.

Every two weeks, I conducted meetings with the staff that would be involved with the project as well as the vendor and their project manager.  I reviewed the design, filled out the paper work, and coordinated the time frame for the upgrade.

Every thing was set to go and it appeared that all known issues had been addressed.  And in 4 weeks, it would be completed.  It was at this point time that the director came up to me and announced that I wasn’t really the project manager for this project.  He told me that Pat was the project manager.

I was quite surprised to hear that Pat was the project manager.  And since Pat had not been involved with this project at all, I had to wonder if Pat even knew that she was the project manager.  When I asked the Director this question he responded that he was going to tell Pat about it this afternoon.

I then asked the Director if I was the assistant project manager.  He said no.  He said that Dan was the assistant project manager.   And again, I asked him if Dan knew and he said no but he was going to talk to Dan right after he talked to Pat.

Now, please understand that being the project manager required extra work but no extra pay.  So, I wasn’t loosing anything if Pat was the project manager.  And wishing to be that ever constant team player, I graciously volunteered to step down and let Pat take over.  That is when the director told me to keep doing what I have been doing.

It seems that while Pat was the project manager and Dan was the assistant project, I was the acting project manager.  What ever. It all pays the same.

Here at the state, someone got the bright idea that we needed a trash barrel in the parking ramp. That way, if people had trash in their car, they could dump it in the trash barrel.

A committee was formed to study the idea and a tour was made to determine the best location for the trash barrel. Pages from catalogs were copied and distributed as a size and color would need to be determined.

Then, a report was formulated, written and sent to upper management for their blessing. And when that blessing was given, a DMB44 requisition form was filled out and submitted along with a DMB196 justification form, an AS-1 request for approval form and price quotes from 5 different vendors.

All of this paper work was then approved by the section manager, the section director, the section accountant, the junior assistant deputy director, the senior assistant deputy director, the deputy director, the director and finally a file clerk in purchasing who has the final say on everything.

When the new trash barrel arrived, the committee met once again and together they took the trash barrel to its new home. Proudly, they placed the trash barrel in its designated location and had a few minor speeches acknowledging the importance of this event. There was even a photo opt.

As the days passed, the committee made a few fact finding trips to inspect the trash barrel and its use. Seeing that it was being used, they reassured themselves that this was the right thing to do.

The days turn into weeks and then into months and the trash barrel continued to fill up until it reached capacity. And this was when they discovered the fatal flaw in their plan; there was no provision made for emptying the trash barrel.

In a panic, the committee approached the building manager. The building manager announced that since the barrel was in the parking ramp and not in the building, it was not his problem.

Undaunted, the committee approached the manager of the parking ramp. But, the parking ramp manager was not aware that a trash barrel had been placed in his ramp. After all, no one had checked with him prior to placing the barrel. Furthermore, he pointed out that the maintenance of trash barrels belonged to Buildings and Grounds. If he had someone empty the trash barrel, the union would file a complaint.

The Buildings and Grounds group pointed out that the trash barrel was not approved by the union and therefore a violation of their contract. Not only did they refuse to empty the trash barrel, they also threatened to file a complaint against anyone who did empty the trash barrel.

Then one night, the barrel disappeared and no one seemed to know what had happened to it. The union immediately filed a compliant that management was trying to eliminate their jobs. Management, in turn, accused the union of destroying government property.

And just when things were about to turn ugly, the barrel mysteriously reappeared, empty. The union, of course, demanded that the trash be returned to the barrel. Management responded by saying that since they didn’t take the barrel in the first place, they certainly didn’t have the trash that was in it. However, they did reassure the union that the barrel would be full once again in a few weeks.

Of course, once the barrel gets full again, management will have to deal with the union issue. And, since the barrel is 3/4 full now, the issue will be coming up shortly.

Such is life at the state. One big happy family.

At a church that we used to attend, an older gentleman came up to me one morning after the service and announced that the toilet in the bathroom was plugged.  Since I was not the custodian, never have been the custodian, don’t even look like the custodian and have never even been a member of the church board, I was perplexed as to why he was telling me.

So, I asked him if he had told the custodian about the problem.  He got rather agitated with me and said that he hadn’t and that telling me should be sufficient. Since I  didn’t really want to be the middle man and since this guy was a life long member and knows who the custodian is, I suggested that he contact the custodian.

At this point in time, the man stomped off and approached a member who was on the church board.  After a few moments, he was pointing at me and they were both glaring at me as if I was being derelict in my duties.  Soon the elderly man went on his way while the board member continued to glare at me.

Apparently, I was put in a leadership capacity that I wasn’t aware of and could only speculate as to what that position might be.  Junior assistant custodial dispatching clerk (even weeks only)?  Or perhaps the chief liaison between laity and buildings and grounds committee?  Who knows?  All I know is that it really creeped me out.

We no longer attend that church.

I guess we have a new store in town but I am not sure. They don’t have a sign on the store so it is hard to tell.

Since it doesn’t have a name, I guess I’ll just call it the ?? store. It is located right next to the ? store, though I guess the ? store does have a name now. Quality Lumber or something like that.

It looks like the ?? store sells home furnishings. Maybe it is antiques. Maybe it is a museum. Who knows.

The only time that I have seen any activity there was on Saturday during Ducky Days. The double front doors were open and they had some sort of a welcome banner hanging down.

There was nothing in the paper about the place. Or, if there was, I didn’t see it.

One of these days I’ll check out both the ? store and the ?? store.

When we built our house, eve troughs were not included in the deal. And we understood that. If we wanted eve troughs, we would have to take care of that ourselves.

Now, one of the contributing factors for installing the eve troughs was the grill. I like to grill. I grill year round, rain or shine. But, I don’t like getting wet. So, I wanted to keep the grill under the eves so I can grill and not get wet.

Unfortunately, there was not enough room for both me and the grill under the eves so part of the grill would have to sit out in the rain. But with the installation of the eve troughs, I wouldn’t have to worry about rain water cascading off of the roof and on to the grill.

Since I was quite handy and since eve troughs were available from the local Home Depot, I decided to tackle the job my self.

Now, the eve troughs that I bought were made out of vinyl. And the instructions were quite simple. You measured the length of your run, calculated how much drop you needed, hung your brackets every few feet and you were good to go. From there on out, everything just snapped together.

And, the system worked fairly well. Granted, there were some minor design changes, but all and all, the system worked.

When the first rain storm came, and I needed to grill, I headed out the back door of the garage and lit the grill. Closing the lid, I went back inside and waited for it to heat up. Once it was hot, I headed out with tongs and a plate of chicken.

As I was about to lift the lid, I felt an icy stab in the back. Startled, I looked up. There were water droplets on the bottom of the trough. What was this? Was it leaking?

After some consideration I determined that it was condensation. But as I scanned the rest of the trough, I noticed that it only seemed to be dripping where I was grilling. Rats. And while I realized that propane had a high moisture content, I would have thought that the humidity was already at 100%.

Maybe there was a design flaw. Maybe I didn’t put enough angle for proper drainage.

I noticed that the area by the dining room slider was not dripping. Maybe that would be a better spot for the grill. So, the next day, when the weather cleared, I moved the grill.

When the next rainy day for grilling arrived, I headed out armed with tongs and a plate of chicken. As I was putting the chicken on the grill, I felt a cold drop of water hit the back of my neck. Then another. And another after that. I couldn’t put that chicken on fast enough. Bah!

What gives? I checked my original spot by the garage door. It was perfectly dry. I walked around the house under the eves. No moisture. Must be the propane.

When the next rainy grill day arrived, I went outside to light the grill. But, before I lit it, I checked the eve troughs. They were dripping even though I hadn’t lit the grill. Well, so much for the propane theory.

After 20 years of dripping on me, we decided to replace the eve troughs with some professionally installed ones that were metal and had gutter guards. And hopefully, the new ones wouldn’t drip on me.

But alas, no. The only spot that they drip is the spot where the grill is located. And they drip whether the grill is lit or not.

Like the bread always landing jell side down, so too, the eve troughs always drip by the grill.

Quantum mechanics!

The Burger King scares me! In case you don’t know what I am talking about, Burger King commercials have a mascot dressed up as a king.

The mascot has a plastic head with a big smile. And, unlike Ronald McDonald, the face never changes expression. Just that same big grin, kind of like a psychopathic killer. But, what really scares me are the breakfast commercial.

One of the commercials has the Burger King holding a tray of food as he peeks in at you through your bedroom window waiting for you to get our of bed. I am sure that Burger King thinks the commercial is cute. I think it portrays the Burger King as a twisted voyeur. I think that he is really just waiting for you to get undress and the food is only an excuse in case he gets caught.

But, the commercial that really creeps me out is the one where the guy wakes up only to find the Burger King in bed with him. Did the guy meet the Burger King at a bar the night before and invite him home for a few drinks and ended up in bed with him? And the Burger King has got that big satisfied smile on his face which kind of says “you were the best!”.

I am sorry, food or no food, if I find some guy in my bed or peeking in my bedroom window, I am calling the cops.

What were they thinking?